Stories

Can We Cut The Crap About The Red Cups Already?

Every time I’ve gone online lately, I’ve had the chore of scrolling through an onslaught of articles about red cups before finding any …Wait. What’s it called again? Oh right… REAL NEWS.

I get it though: People are upset that Starbucks took a trendy minimalist approach to the design of this year’s holiday cups. Now a small portion of their customer base has decided they miss their precious snowflakes and toddler-artwork-style drawings of ice skates and reindeer. Okay. Sure. I guess I understand. I mean, I don’t personally make any connection between drinking a searing hot $7 uber-caffeinated latte and reliving my days of hiding under the bed out of fear that a fat bearded stranger in a red suit was opposite-of-robbing us on Christmas Eve…

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I’m going to take this moment to pretend my two-year-old couldn’t have drawn last year’s design.

But to each their own, right? WRONG. Because somewhere in the midst of this coffee cup hysteria, someone declared a religious war. That’s right: All those smiling baristas who earn an honest wage by waking at ungodly hours to put on their green aprons and make venti caramel machiatos for the tired masses are apparently taking on the Inquisition now. Or so the media makes it sound.

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“Now do you understand the error of your ways? Because I’m jonesin’ for a grande soy white mocha.”

It’s not necessarily a bad thing that news is so slow right now. Obviously there are worse headlines than #Redcupgate. I just don’t honestly believe Starbucks ever intended their cups to offend anyone, or that they targeted the Christian community with some kind of ombre war on Christmas. In fact they’ve put a lot of thought into the designs of their cups over the years, just as they did their most recent. Their biggest mistake, it seems, was taking a modernistic approach to this year’s holiday design. Modern art has a long history of being misinterpreted after all.

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And it’s not like Starbucks has ever modernized anything before.

In the end, the only thing I’ve taken away from all the media attention around this fake controversy is: A) Starbucks holiday cups are here… which means the grocery store is probably stocking eggnog again. Score! And B) People obviously no longer believe “It’s the thought that counts”. If they did, those customers would just be grateful that Starbucks invested the time and money it took to design, manufacture and distribute a special seasonal cup. And for what? To be smeared with lipstick and thrown in the trash.

So to everyone declaring an imaginary religious war on Starbucks: I’m sorry that your garbage isn’t as festive as you’d hoped it would be when you finished your coffee.

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Imagine how deprived the landfills will feel this year without pictures of little cardboard carolers intermixed with the dirty diapers and Dorito wrappers.

Maybe itstead of pretending a popular coffee company just printed their cups in an ombre splash of Santa’s blood, why don’t you just enjoy the fact that you can afford that customized caffeinated goodness and move on with your life. And if you *really* can’t get past the cup thing, bring your own. In fact, Starbucks encourages it! They even offer a discount if you bring your own mug. So by all means, find yourself the ugly Christmas sweater equivalent of a reusable coffee mug and pay one of those nice baristas to fill it with peppermint mocha. But do us all a favor: Order decaf. And shut up.

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In an effort to help you along with the process, Here is a link to a YouTube tutorial on making Ugly Christmas Sweater Mugs. I’m sure you can use the same technique to improve your unsatisfactory disposable Starbucks cup too, if you want to. You’re welcome!

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