Not even fancy creamer and homemade fudge can mask crappy coffee.
Back in November of 2014 Ryan and I came across a giant bag of cheap “gourmet” coffee by the name of “Java Time” at a local warehouse store. The reviews on Amazon were descent and the price was right so we decided to give it a try. We bought it. We took it home. We tried it once. Never again.
It. Was. HORRIBLE.
But it inspired a series of E-mail coorespondences for the history books. Well, maybe not the history books but definitely for my blog. I spent a coffeeless week grouchily complaining and repeatedly saying I was going to write the company a complaint before I actually got around to doing it. But anyone who knows me knows that I’m not usually the type to complain and I’m definitely not an agressive person. My written complaints tend to be overly kind… or ridiculously stupid. I think this one took the latter route. In fact, Ryan laughed his butt off when he read it. And despite sending it after 10:00 at night, I recieved an IMMEDIATE *personal* response!!
^This crap is flavor poison.
Here is my original Email:
“To whom it may concern,
I just wanted to take a moment to share my recent experience trying your product. I came across JavaTime Gourmet Coffee at the Sonora Cost-U-Less by my home. The price was reasonable and the description on the package sounded promising. Plus I’m not very picky anyway. So I decided to give it a try and (being that Cost-U-Less is a bulk warehouse retailer) bought a huge bag.
Biggest. Mistake. Ever.
Once brewed, JavaTime was in no way “gourmet” coffee. It was overpoweringly bitter and had a terrible flavor. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth hole, let alone the worst coffee I’ve ever drank. Actually, calling it “coffee” isn’t very accurate. With that in mind, you might actually have better luck rebranding your product for a completely different application entirely. Syrup of Ipecac is no longer widely available, so there is definitely a demand for such products. I would strongly endorse JavaTime Gourmet Coffee to fulfill that demand.
In the end though, I’m hoping you’ll respond to this message with a shocked apology and maybe an explanation. Something along the lines of letting me know that you recently became aware of a shipment of your coffee (that went to the Sonora Cost-U-Less) having been exposed to some kind of non-infectious bitter-tasting bacteria …or something similar.
If my coffee wasn’t actually contaminated in any way, then I’m sure you get a LOT of Emails similar to this one. In which case, you probably already have a response message prepared, that no doubtedly includes a list of other suggested uses for the remainder of my giant bulk bag of un-drinkable coffee.
I am waiting with bated (bitter coffee) breath.
Getting coffee into my mouth hole back in 2014 was no easy feat.
And like I said before, I wrote the original message some time after 10:00 at night, so I was shocked to receive an immediate response… sent from a cell phone nonetheless!
Thank you writing and sharing your recent experience with Java Time.
I am very sorry to hear you are not happy with your purchase and I do hope you will accept a replacement bag and give it another try.
Please send me your address and I will send out a replacement this week if you would like.
Sent from mobile device
please excuse any typos”
A replacement bag? Of the same stuff?! It took me a moment to wrap my head around the idea.
My kitchen owls get it. Especially the one on the far right.
I respoded accordingly:
Thank you for responding so quickly…and personally, from a mobile device to boot! I honestly expected an auto-response “Thank you for contacting us! Your opinion is important to us! You can expect a response in 1-2 days/months/years” …so you can imagine my surprise. I’m not sure where you are located but here in California it’s already after 10:00 at night.
But then again… you probably drink a lot of coffee. 😉
And forgive my bluntness, but seriously. That coffee was shockingly bad. Shockingly. Bad. But I’ve discussed your offer with my mouth hole and we’re willing to give JavaTime another try. Any chance you have a whole-bean variety? Maybe it lost something… or gained something horrible and angry… in the grinding process. If not, then at least package it extra attractively before you ship it. Decorate the box, maybe? (Hint: I like kittens!)
Thank you again,
My address was included in the Email as well. Not that it mattered though. I had shared my ongoing experience with Java Time Coffee on Facebook at the time and it just showed up on my news feed again after the headline “One year ago today…”. So yeah: Needless to say I never recieved my replacement bag of coffee, kitten packaged or not.
Customer Service FAIL!
UPDATE: As of November 2016, I still haven’t received anything from JavaTime. Or should I say “Java-lessTime”? I’ll just keep waiting though…
Normal kittens wouldn’t cut it at this point. Just saying!